I Can’t Let Myself by Happy 22-23

stock-photo-91327035Poor Angel, such a beautiful night of love the night before, but that’s the reason she has to leave.  She’s falling in love with Michael.  But love doesn’t last.  It’s not enough.  They all leave eventually and so would Michael.  So she had to go now.

She was being protected over by her Heavenly Father but she didn’t know who He was yet.  She got a ride with an older man, a traveling salesman who wasn’t very good at selling or peddling his wares.  The men in the camps were cruel and mean to him.

This time to pay for her ride, she helped him sell out of all his wares.  He was very pleased.  He said she had talent for sales.  That’s a first, a talent for something other than pleasing men.

Sacramento, getting dark and no where to go.  There is her Heavenly Father once again in the darkness giving her a beacon of hope.

Hochschild’s General Mercantile 

Joseph was so happy to see her.  She would stay with him and work for him.  She had been told she had a talent for sales so now on her own she would have a place to stay and a decent job she was good at.

Joseph sent word of course and told Michael she was there.  Why not, they were friends after all and he know Michael would be out of his mind with worry.

Once again, Michael her Savior, was standing in the doorway.  Oh how her heart skipped a beat, love, happy to see his face again but then fear and panic.  She tried to get free of his grip but she really was putty in his hands. She resisted but he knew she was not fighting him but fighting loving him.

“You want to know what love feels like to me?  It feels like you’re ripping my heart out.”

When he drew her back into his arms again, she didn’t resist.  He loved her and she knew now she loved him.

“You make me hope, Michael.  I don’t know if that’s good or not.”

Michael agreed that Joseph let her stay as a favor to Michael.  He also know God had His hand on her when she walked in that door that day.

“It was pure luck that I found Joseph when I did, Michael.”

Angel didn’t want to think of what might have happened if she hadn’t found the storekeeper.  She was so weak.  It was a loathsome thing to face about herself.

“You saved me again, Michael”

“I’m only a tool, beloved.  Not your savior.”

Back home again felt right.  She went right back to work helping her farmer husband by being a good farmers wife.  She loved working with him, getting her hands dirty.  Took pride and ownership in her work.  She was loving becoming a farmer.

Angel admits to her new best friend, Miriam the he only has to look at her and she melts.

Paul has spoken to Miriam about how Angel has hurt Michael and he thinks she will run again.  Miriam gets angry and defends her but little Ruthie overhears and tells Angel.

Angel could be angry and lash out at Paul but instead she honors her husband and defends Paul, not wanting Michael to know Paul is still badmouthing his wife. After all, its the truth.

As Angel compares herself to Michael, he confesses to her that he has many things he is ashamed of also and not deserving of this blessing they have together.    He tells her:

“Don’t you see, neither of us deserve this.  Every Blessing comes down from the Father, not in payment for good done, but as a gift.”

God, she believed God was wrath and that He would continually punishing her for living a life she was forced into by a seedy old drunk who didn’t know what he was doing.  God was unmerciful and enjoyed inflicting pain.

“I don’t know what I did wrong, I never knew, but I understood from the earliest time I can remember that I was never going to be good enough to deserve a decent life.  I take away the decency of others just by being near them”

“Oh God, if you are there, why have you done this to him?”

“For you, Beloved!”



Author: shelleybea12153

New to blogging, but have been doing Women's Interest like Bible Study for over 26 years now. Married, three boys, 5 grandkids. Love God's Word and helping Women discover the power in Jesus' name by getting together with them often. Monthly meeting called Seasoned Sisters.

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